Sam Winchester | Lucifer | Endverse (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
endoftheverse) wrote2020-11-08 07:18 pm
endoftheverse) wrote2020-11-08 07:18 pm
Deerington Inbox.
[A general automated voicemail plays.]
[A general automated voicemail plays.]
[A general automated voicemail plays.]
no subject
Wouldn't have been any apocalypse to start if I hadn't kickstarted it down under.
[Dean gazes up at the sky, down at the ground, and then follows out towards the lake, unease and a whole variety of other emotions churning in his gut. Another mistake, another fault he'll learn to live with; having to learn about it from the Devil is a hell of a way to learn about it, but Dean will learn. And, worse comes to worse, he'll shove it down with the rest of his pile of unspoken crap he never lets see the light of day.
He inhales raggedly and exhales slowly, trying to steady himself and his breathing.]
You didn't see me down there, Sam. You didn't...
[He lets his eyes fall shut momentarily; when he opens them again, he tries to keep his gaze focused off in the distance. He takes another shuddering breath.]
I didn't just kickstart the end of the world. I got off on it, the torture. I ripped into people's souls, and I didn't want to stop. I would have...
[He rubs a hand over the bottom half of his face.]
I don't know what would have happened if Cas hadn't pulled me out. Probably, I would have turned into a demon.
no subject
[Sam says it quietly, folding his arms — against the cold, but also to just... comfort himself, maybe. He doesn't look at Dean with disgust, though. He doesn't judge him for it, not for anything. If anyone had anything to apologize for, it'd be him. He trusted Ruby with his life. He drank the blood. He let Lucifer out.
None of that is on Dean.]
You were pulled out of Hell. You aren't a demon. You came out of it, and you tried to keep moving forward. [Sam looks at him, even if Dean can't bring himself to look anywhere but that lake.] They tried to make you into something else. But I'm not exactly looking at a demon here. You're just my brother, and you tried to keep me alive and safe. And I'm sorry I fucked that up so much.
[He shakes his head, his bangs falling in his face as he sits back. His arm jitters like it has a mind of its own — from Lucifer? from a withdrawal that never seems to end? — and he clamps a hand down to steady it. The silence trickles in for a moment, and he says what he feels, because not doing it before ruined everything.]
... I spent years wishing you hadn't brought me back. Wishing I could change it. I'd do anything to make it right. Fix everything I did. Fix what I did to you, to Cas... to the world.
Try to fix the fact that I ended up the villain in our screwed-up story, after everything you did.
no subject
He turns sharply when Sam mentions fucking up that much, eyes wide as he considers him. He feels a distinct tug inside, the burst of warmth and guilt he always feels just for Sam.
And he realizes, as Sam speaks, that he must have done something to drive his little brother into the arms of the Devil. He must have messed up somewhere along the way to screw things up even more for his brother.] You're not the villain, Sam. He is. I don't know what happened to get you to say yes to the Devil, but if anyone fucked up here, it's me. I'm the one supposed to look out for you, Sam. You're my baby brother, and it's me that should have protected you from...well. Everything. All of it.
[He lets out a slow, shuddering breath; his eyes fall briefly closed.]
But especially that asshole riding around in your body.
no subject
Yeah, well... I have some experience with getting with the program and going overboard.
[Dean would be disgusted, he's pretty sure. Dean was disgusted. The way he'd look at him, learning each sad secret... learning about the exorcisms, about Ruby and him, the blood... He felt it, back then. That he looked like something else in Dean's eyes. That he was... (he was a monster, and he knew it, but goddammit, he didn't expect Dean to come back and see it with his own eyes-)
Sam juts his jaw, defiant.]
Stop, Dean. Don't — You don't have to try to take the blame for shit I did myself. It wasn't your job, and it wasn't anything you did. It doesn't matter why I said yes; all that matters is I'm the reason Lucifer won. You should be pissed at me for it, and if you're not gonna be, then I'll just have to do it for you.
[Because as much as Dean hates himself, Sam hates himself, too. He has plenty of it to direct inward, no shortage of words to fling at himself. He knows which words hurt the most, too. He's become a prodigy, knowing just how to make Sam Winchester feel like dirt on someone's shoe.]
... I didn't exactly do anything to deserve you watching my back. The Dean in my timeline, he wasn't wrong for ditching me. Hell, I recommended it. I wasn't... reliable.
[He runs a hand through his bangs, leaves it planted there, face downcast in shame.]
... I was drinking demon blood, to exorcise demons from their hosts. While you've been in Hell. That's what I was doing. Some... extension of those powers I'd had with Yellow Eyes around. I was with Ruby, and when I wasn't with her, I was — alone.
And then you came back, and I didn't think you'd ever be alive to see me like that.
But it was too late. I couldn't... I was what I was.
no subject
He lets out a long, low breath, rubbing his hand over the bottom half of his face.] Sam, how can I be pissed at you when I don't even know how the Devil got you to let him in the first place? Am I angry and hurt? Yeah, you know what, I am. And maybe if you explain, I'll get angry at you too.
[And maybe the Dean from this Sam's timeline is right to have left him, but Dean feels an odd clench in his stomach at the thought, no matter what it is that Sam's done. After everything, Dean can't imagine walking out on Sam; that's what their dad did, and fuck if he doesn't want to be following in John's damned footsteps anymore than he already has.
And then Sam explains that he's been drinking demon blood and using his powers, with Ruby, of all demons, and Dean feels all of his stomach drop through to his feet; his eyes widen and he feels as though part of himself as left his own body.]
I'm sorry, you what?
[He's trying to process this information; his thoughts and emotions feel like crossed livewires, sparking dangerously within him. He feels as though he might puke or scream; maybe both.]
no subject
Sam turns away, doesn't look at Dean.
("You're destroying your relationship with him all over again?" Lucifer asks patiently, "Bold move, Sam. Now he'll just see a monster. Again. That's all he'll ever see with you, no matter what he says to the contrary.")
Sam utters angrily:]
Doesn't matter. I deserve it.
[But his fingers are shaking, and he digs them into his jeans to do something about it.]
I thought Ruby cared about me. She saved my life, gave me something to do when you were gone. And then you came back. [His head whips, and his desperate gaze lands on Dean finally.] After everything I tried to get you out — after demons wouldn't even cut deals with me, how was I supposed to know you'd come back to see that? To see me?
[He buries his head in his knees, palms pressing the back of his shaggy locks.
("Sam, be reasonable. There wasn't anything wrong with you.
You are p-e-r-f-e-c-t.")]
Dad was right. He was right about me. He knew what I was. Before anyone.
He just made the mistake of not handling it soon enough.
no subject
He pinches the bridge of his nose, takes in a deep breath. He remembers that motel room, the young woman he met with Sam when he and Bobby went to seek Sam out. He remembers Sam going out at night for 'burgers' and deciding to tackle the Castiel problem with Bobby, explaining it away as grabbing some beers to Sam in response. He had his suspicions then, but nothing like Sam drinking actual demon blood.
This is too much, he thinks. Too goddamn much.
Especially when Sam starts talking about John, about Dad. About him knowing before anyone, about not handling it soon enough.]
Shit, Sam. I don't even know where to start. It's all bad. Ruby? And demon blood? Sam, Jesus.
[He rubs a hand across his mouth, unsure how to unpack everything Sam's just told him. He doesn't know if he can even unpack half of that, frankly.
He lets out a long, low sigh.]
Dad made a lot of mistakes, Sam. But it wasn't his job to handle you. You're his son. He should have tried to help you; to save you.
[And so should I, he thinks to himself. As the older brother, it's always been his job to look out for Sammy. And he can't even do that right, twenty odd years later.]
Look, I'm not saying I'm not pissed. 'Cause you're goddamn right I'm angry. Not only a demon, but Ruby?
[He sighs again, reluctantly brings himself to look at Sam. He remembers John saying he might need to kill his own brother, right before John died. He remembers that instruction, and he hates it just as much now as when he heard it the first time.]
But I'll be damned again if I try following what Dad wanted me to do. I don't know how I can help you with the Devil, but I'm not going to lose you to that bastard, not if I can help it.
no subject
For a moment, it seems like Sam's retreated into himself, though. He's quiet, and there's a hush that falls over them. Eventually, the thoughts are sifted through, like ash, and Lucifer is quiet and still in his rib-cage, and Sam can think.]
... Ruby was one of the only people around to help me. If she weren't there, you would've come back and I'd have been dead, honestly. [He shrugs, watching the lake warily.] I guess... I thought she could have been different. That it wasn't what you are, but what you do with it...
[He clenches his fingers on his arm in a vice grip, disgust coursing through his body. There are so many things he'd never admitted, so many things he was scared would turn his brother against him. Isn't it too late now? It's all over. He's fucked. He's a murderer, an angel's skin. But this Dean... still has a chance, at least. Might be the only chance he's got.]
Some monsters are good, right? Some ghosts are good. And sometimes, people like me are good. That's what I thought, anyway. I had powers people thought were evil, powers I would've been hunted for without a second glance. You'd said it yourself, but it's not like I didn't know.
But... I was saving people. A lot of people, from demons, all with this horrible thing inside me. And even though it meant feeling more like a monster, I thought I was at least a good monster.
[He looks at Dean.]
If I couldn't trust Ruby because she was a demon, how the hell was I supposed to be trusted, too? I've been some kind of fucked-up hybrid since I was a baby. I've always felt like I was dirty, since before I can even remember; I've just always known. Maybe it's why I wanted to trust her so much. I don't know.
I guess it doesn't really matter. Maybe I'm just making excuses.
[He combs a hand through his hair.]
... I just... I wonder how long it took for Dad to see it, too. When I was a kid. That there was something off with me. How long did he know? When did he realize something wasn't right about me? Maybe I'm not much better than Ruby was, at the end of the day.
[He scoffs, humorless.]
I guess what I'm saying is, I wish you'd throw me into a ditch and forget about me... but I'm really glad you haven't.
no subject
He lets out a bitter, choked out sort of laughter.] They always say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
[I thought I was at least a good monster, Sam says, and damn if that doesn't crash into Dean like a freight truck. Sam's always been the more open-minded of the two of them; Sam has always been the more empathetic, the more compassionate. And Dean loves him for it; loves his brother for being the kind of good Dean could never be, can never be, now, after Hell. He always worried about Sam getting himself into trouble because of it, and, now, here they are.
Dean closes his eyes and opens them. He doesn't really have any good answers to give; all he has is Sam here with him, and the chance to move forward, even if all it ends up being is moving forward stuck in the same old mess. But damn it if Dean isn't going to let the past dictate how he reacts.]
I don't have any answers for you Sam. Not easy ones, at least. This is all so fucked, even for us.
[He lets out another low breath.] After everything, I'm the last person who should be judging anyone on who they're better than or not. Maybe, at the end of the day, we're all just fucked up messes, trying to make it through the day without fucking up too badly.
[He turns to face Sam, to watch him, refusing to let his memory of his recent conversation with Lucifer taint him getting to talk with his baby brother.] I would never let myself throw you in a ditch, Sam. You're my brother and I will always fight for you, Hell or highwater. Literally, in this case.
[He tries to crack something of a smile, to at least attempt to lighten the mood, somewhat.]
no subject
... It goes both ways. I'll fight for you, too.
I know I, uh... I suck at succeeding. At helping you when you need it most. But I promise, I've always tried. I'll always try to make it all up to you. For Hell, and for the mistakes I've made... for making anything harder than it needed to be.
I know it's a little too late to be a better brother back home, but. It's not too late in your time. And it's not too late here. So...
I'll try to be around more, as long as I'm — safe to be around, I mean.
[Boy, they sure are sappy today.]
no subject
He's just grateful to get to connect to Sam without the devil between them in the wake of that last dream he had.] Deerington's got it's share of faults, but this ain't one of them.
You look out for me, I'll look out for you works for me.
Feel like grabbing a bite to eat? I feel like coffee or something. Walking just makes me want to stuff my face more.
[It's an olive branch, a chance to move past the nightmare of Lucifer's continued presence in Sam. It's not going to fix anything but they can at least enjoy themselves, if only for a minute.]
no subject
... I've been trying to stay away from the town. I mean, I don't know if I'm safe to be around.
[But. But coffee and food sounds nice, for once. He's been pretty bad at actually keeping himself fed, especially when he's still getting used to having to eat on his own again, and... and it sounds normal. Like something they'd have done before everything went to literal Hell.]