Yeah, well... I have some experience with getting with the program and going overboard.
[Dean would be disgusted, he's pretty sure. Dean was disgusted. The way he'd look at him, learning each sad secret... learning about the exorcisms, about Ruby and him, the blood... He felt it, back then. That he looked like something else in Dean's eyes. That he was... (he was a monster, and he knew it, but goddammit, he didn't expect Dean to come back and see it with his own eyes-)
Sam juts his jaw, defiant.]
Stop, Dean. Don't — You don't have to try to take the blame for shit I did myself. It wasn't your job, and it wasn't anything you did. It doesn't matter why I said yes; all that matters is I'm the reason Lucifer won. You should be pissed at me for it, and if you're not gonna be, then I'll just have to do it for you.
[Because as much as Dean hates himself, Sam hates himself, too. He has plenty of it to direct inward, no shortage of words to fling at himself. He knows which words hurt the most, too. He's become a prodigy, knowing just how to make Sam Winchester feel like dirt on someone's shoe.]
... I didn't exactly do anything to deserve you watching my back. The Dean in my timeline, he wasn't wrong for ditching me. Hell, I recommended it. I wasn't... reliable.
[He runs a hand through his bangs, leaves it planted there, face downcast in shame.]
... I was drinking demon blood, to exorcise demons from their hosts. While you've been in Hell. That's what I was doing. Some... extension of those powers I'd had with Yellow Eyes around. I was with Ruby, and when I wasn't with her, I was — alone.
And then you came back, and I didn't think you'd ever be alive to see me like that.
But it was too late. I couldn't... I was what I was.
no subject
Yeah, well... I have some experience with getting with the program and going overboard.
[Dean would be disgusted, he's pretty sure. Dean was disgusted. The way he'd look at him, learning each sad secret... learning about the exorcisms, about Ruby and him, the blood... He felt it, back then. That he looked like something else in Dean's eyes. That he was... (he was a monster, and he knew it, but goddammit, he didn't expect Dean to come back and see it with his own eyes-)
Sam juts his jaw, defiant.]
Stop, Dean. Don't — You don't have to try to take the blame for shit I did myself. It wasn't your job, and it wasn't anything you did. It doesn't matter why I said yes; all that matters is I'm the reason Lucifer won. You should be pissed at me for it, and if you're not gonna be, then I'll just have to do it for you.
[Because as much as Dean hates himself, Sam hates himself, too. He has plenty of it to direct inward, no shortage of words to fling at himself. He knows which words hurt the most, too. He's become a prodigy, knowing just how to make Sam Winchester feel like dirt on someone's shoe.]
... I didn't exactly do anything to deserve you watching my back. The Dean in my timeline, he wasn't wrong for ditching me. Hell, I recommended it. I wasn't... reliable.
[He runs a hand through his bangs, leaves it planted there, face downcast in shame.]
... I was drinking demon blood, to exorcise demons from their hosts. While you've been in Hell. That's what I was doing. Some... extension of those powers I'd had with Yellow Eyes around. I was with Ruby, and when I wasn't with her, I was — alone.
And then you came back, and I didn't think you'd ever be alive to see me like that.
But it was too late. I couldn't... I was what I was.