[Dean lets out a wry huff of laughter. Their dad held out against that same offer for a hundred years; he broke in thirty. And, goddamn, he can still hear that in Alistair's voice, too, that same snake of a tone slithering down his spine. He represses a shudder by turning it into a shrug.]

Wouldn't have been any apocalypse to start if I hadn't kickstarted it down under.

[Dean gazes up at the sky, down at the ground, and then follows out towards the lake, unease and a whole variety of other emotions churning in his gut. Another mistake, another fault he'll learn to live with; having to learn about it from the Devil is a hell of a way to learn about it, but Dean will learn. And, worse comes to worse, he'll shove it down with the rest of his pile of unspoken crap he never lets see the light of day.

He inhales raggedly and exhales slowly, trying to steady himself and his breathing.]

You didn't see me down there, Sam. You didn't...

[He lets his eyes fall shut momentarily; when he opens them again, he tries to keep his gaze focused off in the distance. He takes another shuddering breath.]

I didn't just kickstart the end of the world. I got off on it, the torture. I ripped into people's souls, and I didn't want to stop. I would have...

[He rubs a hand over the bottom half of his face.]

I don't know what would have happened if Cas hadn't pulled me out. Probably, I would have turned into a demon.